The Blog of bipolarwreck

Been far too long but only as if it were yesterday.  In short, I had a terrible violence plauged childhood.  I saw things as a small child that would make a veteran cringe.  Seriously, the guy who kept an eye on me after my father died was a Vietnam vet! lol

Anyways,  by the time i had hit adult hood I had pretty much seen everything one person could see.  Horror, atorcities, pain, suffereing, humilitaion to degrees you simply cannot fathom.  I had walked thru that valley many times and always came thorugh.  Everyone around saw me, used me, believed me to be there rock.  Never budged, never backled down, and never quit. 

I ended up, by the grace of god, finding a lady when I was 18, and I say by the grace of, cause at that time in my life, i was starting to have troubles with coping with all the horror that has been burnt into my memory.  But for me I was lucky for i had finally found some balance and peace in my life. 

Then the fateful decision, the mrs. and I decided we wanted a baby, well actually i told her that i wanted one.  we tried for a little while and no luck.  then one day outta the blue she just kept ripping my head off for everything!  well she decided unbeknownst to me to go get a pregnancy test, which turned out to be positive!

She left work and arrived at my work and told me the news...I wa s so fucking ecstatic!!! I was on top of the world and nothing was bringing me down! Had names picked out right away...all the decorations and such in mind...a fucking permagrin an atom bomb couldnt have knocked off!!! Only one thing i nthe world could have knocked me off of that so over long due pedestal...

The one thing that could defeat me would be that something was wrong with my child...turns out there was.  My wife and i had the family over for thanksigiving dinner ya know the whole happy about to be expanding family...the laughter...the great food...the great company...everyone parted and my wife and i were left to clean...i sent her to the couch to rest and took to the kitchen and the leftovers and the scraps...everything was bliss...i truly do not recall ever being happier in my life...this was around 8ish at night. 

around 1:30 i heard a sound that i will never get outta my head! I know what the vets i grow up around where always talking about, hearing their buddies screams when they still went to bed.  I hear that cry every god dam nnight!  That is when my booze consumtion really starting going to hell.  No matter how much i drank i could not get that cry outta my head! I could not get the visual from eyes.  Nights where i literally just wanted to carve them fucking things right out of my head for betraying me in such a manner.

We ended up losing our child 4 months in to a still birth due to a doctors oversight.  We were in the doc's jsut the day before for unexplained pains my wife was having.  Turns out a simple swab would have detected the problem right away and could have been very easily avoided. 

a simple 12  dollar fucking swab test with immediate results could have saved the life of my child.  The first thing in my life that was nothing but a positive!!! nothing but hope and love ripped away.  I have not spoken of this to anyone this entire time.  My wife nearly left me over it, my best friend racked her head against a wall over it. 

Not even sure as to why i am even letting any of it out now either.  maybe the two + months of practically no sleep, the lack of booze causing my head to cosntantly run, memories rushing back, thoguhts spinng out, fellins forced back down again. 

All I know is that wit hthe booze, I was at least able to sleep thru the nightmares...now nothing to help...so who knows maybe this desperate act might offer some repreive...time will only tell...